.....7 Months Later

I had truly meant to keep up on my blog. I thought, if I had time for it while pregnant and tired I can easily find 5 minutes to put down updates.

Not so much. 

It's crazy how fast things change, how your feelings alter and perceptions shatter. Nicholas now pulls himself across the floor like a wounded soldier, gets up on his legs, bounces and will then decide to army crawl again. Each time he does it I have two feelings. The first: joy! He's crawling!! The second: dread....he's crawling. Next is walking. And judging by the way he shatters my ankles with his walker, my little monkey (he's also an accomplished climber) is learning how to be mobile, fast. 

He also loves solids and is unsure of his intrusive first tooth. I'm sure they'll learn to get a long soon enough, but for now he is more interested gnawing on anything from books to fingers and anything in between. 

Phil and I are coping with broken sleep at night, while also learning to deal with the flailing arms and legs when we are catching a few winks. What started out as a temporary relief of my fear of SIDS has turned into a full fledged co-sleeper arrangement and now, I want my bed back. I love my little snuggler, but I miss sleeping without my arms up over my head and two little feet kicking my midsection. Eventually, as everyone reminds me, he will sleep on his own in his own bed. Patience. In the meantime I have caffeine and chocolate. 

I know there's so much more to write and hopefully I'll remember to keep better notes and anecdotes to share, until then I am off to put the little monster down for a nap and try to catch a few winks myself. 

A very rough draft

            THE CHRISTMAS ANGEL

Excitement filled the air as the holiday shoppers ran from store to store. Giddy they chatted while finding the perfect gift for him, or exactly what she wanted. Children cried from exhaustion as their parents pushed them promising just one more store then we can go home. Tirelessly they shopped for the best gift for that special parent or favorite aunt. I watched in amusement, gazing at all of them, hoping they all would get that special something. I also looked for that one face I knew needed me. And then I saw him. He was hurriedly walking through the throngs of people, anticipation on his face. And purpose. His eyes were sad, his brow furrowed. I flitted to him and sat on his shoulder as he walked in the jewelry store, trying to read his thoughts and find out what had caused this pain. He was there to buy an angel necklace for his wife who had just lost a child early in pregnancy. They had been trying for several years, told they would never have any when she miraculously became pregnant. It lasted a week only, and both were devastated. This would be my next assignment, I decided.

            Carefully so no one would notice I jumped into the case he was looking at, changing into the exact angel necklace he was pointing to. Stainless silver with small diamonds in the wings. Tasteful and subtle. The clerk rang him up and I felt him skip as we walked through the mall. I heard when he reached her. I could feel her smile as she looked at the bag. Christmas was still a week away, but he couldn’t wait to show her. Carefully she removed the box I was in and opened the lid. I looked up and could see a pair of misty blue eyes, which immediately began to tear up and she looked up and kissed him. Helping her, he attached my chain around her and said, “This is an angel to watch over you and our next child”.

            For the next ten months I lived around her neck. Lily, that is her name, would only take me off for special occasions. She was sad and very nervous all the time. Each month she would have her cycle and cry quietly in the bathroom, longing for the child she had lost and the one she thought would never come. As they slept at night, I would coach them into finding their paths to happiness. It was not too long that Lily and Jack, her husband, decided to make changes in their lives to improve themselves. Both changed careers, and then Lily auditioned for a play. Something she had missed terribly. Jack enrolled back in school and bought himself a new truck, fulfilling a wish he had had for some time. Finally the two of them were happy, just missing one final piece. And so it was my turn.

            A few weeks later, Lily felt different and took a pregnancy test. Nervous she held her breath while Jack was upstairs in the shower. When she saw the word PREGNANT appear, I could feel her heart lurch inside.  Running she burst into the bathroom. Jack peered over her through the top of the shower, gazing at her face he said simply, “I knew it”.            

            Lily was so nervous during her entire pregnancy and wore me every day. When Jack bought her a new necklace for Valentine’s Day, she thanked him, but kept me around her neck. She joked that she was superstitious and did not want to upset the balance. Every doctor appointment she would hear that everything was perfect and would become more confident. By July, her baby was ready to come out. A son.

            Twenty-seven hours of hard labor finally prompted Lily’s doctor to request a c-section. As she got ready, I could feel her tug on me nervously when the nurse gently explained that no jewelry was allowed. With shaking fingers, Lily handed me to her mother. As they wheeled her out, I was handed off, this time to Jack as good luck. Giving his mother in law a quick hug, Jack jammed me into his pocket, anxious to be with his wife and meet his son. Crawling out, I perched on his shoulder and watched as he kissed Lily’s forehead and waited. Then we all heard the sound of a baby crying. Both Jack and Lily smiled at each other. I hung around until Lily, Jack and their new baby were in their room for the night. I saw Lily’s panic when she realized I was gone. Perching on her shoulder, I whispered in her ear that my job was done and it was time for me to make someone else’s dream come true. She cried softly, kissed her baby and drifted off to sleep.  Flitting through the halls of the hospital I looked in on all the others. That was when I decided; this would be my home now. A few days later, as I was flying around checking on those who needed a little comfort, I saw the three of them leaving. Lily was sitting in her wheelchair, holding her new baby. I saw her reach up to feel for the necklace that had been there for so long. Remembering I was gone, she smiled at her new baby and together the three of them left. 

Nicholas' Entrance into the World

I enjoyed writing about my pregnancy, and the therapeutic way it helped keep my mind at ease, I've decided to continue on with the first year of being Nicholas' Mommy. 

Thanks for Tuning in! I'll try to keep it light and fluffy :)

July 8, 2012 was the big day! I was nervous for sure. I had imagined all the ways my water would break, the panic Phil would experience while racing to get our go bags together and get to the hospital on time. It was very "9 Months" (terrible Hugh Grant movie). I was scared to go to restaurants thinking that in that moment I'd feel the "Pop!" and be immediately drenched from the waist down. Movies are soooooooooo dramatic. At my 38 week check up, my Dr did the necessary checks and determined that 1) Baby was too big and needed to come out now while we still could do it naturally and 2) My cervix was no where near ready. He made a call and I was scheduled to be induced on Sunday July 8. 

For the next several days I experienced excitement, nausea, nervousness, panic, insomnia (that's nothing new) and a myriad of other pleasant and unpleasant emotions. He was coming! WE made it! After all these months I was finally going to meet my womb hijacker, as the books call him. By the time 3 pm rolled around I was a bundle of nerves. I had heard several pleasant stories about being induced, and even more terrible ones that usually ended with baby in distress, emergency c section. I was prepared to do go through it all and to be as graceful as possible. 

By 4 I had the Cervidil inserted, that was painful! I was warned not to remove it or they'd have to re-insert it. I cried the first time so I was not going through that again. By 2 am my contractions were coming frequenty and painfully. Finally at the urging of Phil, I asked for pain meds. The nurse checked me and found I was only dilated 1cm. She also accidentally removed the insert. And my water broke. Before I could get any relief for pain, she jammed the strip back up, in between constant, painful contractions. At that point I was crying and begging her to stop. I'd just keep the baby in forever. As long as she stopped with the stupid strip. After about 10 minutes of unrelenting determination, she finally got the insert back behind my cervix (my very high, and difficult to get to cervix they kept complaining about) and was able to give me the shot of morphine. Finally I felt a bit comfortable and slept for about 45 minutes. 

Soon after my contractions were coming about 4-6 minutes apart, and lasting up to 10 minutes at a time. Phil enjoyed watching the monitor and seeing all the other Mamas in labor, while commenting that mine were as bad as the woman who was in the Pushing phase. By 4 am they took the insert out, and gave me another shot of pain meds. I was still dilated at 1. 

Moments After Being Born <3

The rest of the morning went about the same, occasional pain meds, almost no opening. By noon, I was at 2 and a half. By 3:30 I was at 3, but the baby's head was swelling because he was pushing to come out and I was not dilating fast enough. My dr gave me an epidural for the pain, hoping it might help the process along. I could tell that he was already preparing for a c section by the end of the night. By 5 pm I was at 3 and a half. (although my dr did mention that there is no such thing as "Halves" lol). At 6 pm, my dr came in and said I was just pushing 4, but there was no point prolonging it anymore. Time for the c section! The upped my epidural to take away feelings in my legs (I have no legs!) gave my hubby fancy scrubs and we headed into the OR. From there, everything was a blur. I felt pressure, felt a pop and heard a cry. Looking over the curtain at me was a plump baby with big, blue eyes and a bit of blood. He was taken away and I was stitched back together. After about 15 minutes I was wheeled into my recovery room, Phil and the baby coming in shortly after. Finally I got to hold my baby. His eyes were alert and he was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen in my entire life. 

Holding Nicholas the First Time

That was 2 weeks ago. We've been home getting used to the sleep patterns of Nicholas. Sometimes I just love to lean forward and stare at him. It's crazy to believe I made this perfect little guy. Phil and I are so blessed with the little miracle that we have been given. Our family is complete now, and it's amazing what having Nicholas has done for everyone else. My mom, who had been very depressed since my grandfather passed, is glowing and dancing. She comes over daily for her kisses. My in laws flew down this weekend and spent a few days getting to know him, and of course fell immediately in love. 

For now, Phil and I are learning about being Mommy and Daddy. I've been recovering well from my surgery, so I'm more mobile, although sometimes I'm sore and just need to sit. I have the normal fears, SIDs of course being the big one. At night I lie him in the bassinet beside me just so that I can make sure he's breathing. So far though, we're all doing pretty good. 

Nicholas Hospital Shoot